BOTH

BOTH:  Reflections Beyond Fear
©B. Luceigh, 4/2015

 

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WORD Document (as recorded in video)
BOTH: Reflections Beyond Fear
© Betty Luceigh
March 20, 2015

BOTH existed before we did,
and so now dwell inherited within us all.
For me, both have been long-hidden, unrecognized,
relentlessly processing all the while,
a relationship toward a becoming,
not requiring to be known,
an undisclosed partnership within my existence,
not requiring, but now known,
now realized in conscious awareness,
me, no longer in denial of their dialogue,
they, no longer secretive of their fears,
each ready for equanimity in cooperation.

And of what “both”, what “two”, do I speak?
Two planets? Two species? Two molecules?
What matters most is there are two
and thus differentiated entities.
These are not two extremes defining one middle way.
These are two interacting with each other,
each with extremes defining their respective middle ways.

Both entities offer their most inspiring gifts
when each is balanced within itself
while balancing with the other.
Their relationship is profound simplicity of ultimate purpose–
the human expression of changing existence–
yet in their individual forms and processes
there is overwhelming complexity of detail.

I speak without authority beyond the direct experience
of my own inner and outer life.
Yet that experience gratefully includes the influence
of so many others willing to offer personal reflections
on our common human quest.a

I hesitate to name the two of which I speak,
lest by the naming, they become objects,
confined by a description,
held prisoner in a dictionary,
and limit for you their natural progression
into what is nameless.

I must however use descriptives simply for discussion,
with full understanding of my subjectivity and speculation in doing so.
I will name one the COLLECTOR, the other the CONNECTOR.

The Collector within me is the gatherer of SIGNALS,
signals for sustaining the process of life itself,
signals that always arrive in the moment of “now”.
It receives signals from both outside and inside my human body as resources,
perhaps packets of light and waves of sounds
or packets of neurotransmitters and waves of emotions.
Signals offer me information either recognized as literal reality
or rearranged into novel relationships of my imagination.
The Collector accepts ambiguity as prelude to an explicit outcome,
speaks in a language of morphing images,
provides metaphors for answers sought by my curiosity,
uses rhythmic resonances to mark the time.

Some sensory signals are vital to survive physical threats,
alert my body when action is needed for safety.
Other signals may float through an undiscovered portal
from the universal, the limitless,
float unidentified into my human experience
to awaken my sense of divine mystery,
and remind me of my origin and return
within the ongoing flow of the Kosmicb Process.

Perhaps the Collector’s deepest fear is loss of signals,
no information from outer or inner surroundings,
no way to determine threats,
no validation of location or time,
no creative process to promote, no novelty to pattern.
Without signals, the Collector would be without its purpose:
to provide my humanness with the means to express life
and the meaning of that expression.

Out of fear, the Collector may only permit signals from extreme positions
and lose balance.
It may become hyper-vigilant to the diversity of signals,
unnecessarily inducing stress responses to reassure its power to protect life,
or it may relinquish its sensitivity to all inputs
and shrink into the mistaken safety of meaninglessness.

In contrast, the Connector within me is the guardian of my conscious SELF,
it oversees, guides, assists the self as it develops toward fullness;
it maintains a basis set of anchored neuronal connections
as its fundamental genetic template,
connects and reconnects its structural refinement
as the self evolves through expanding stages of awareness.
The Connector links past events through networks of time and place,
accesses memories to re-live in the present,
projects patterns of plans into my future,
provides a felt sense of coherence and continuity of a “me”.
The Connector directs the self to communicate primarily
through the language of spoken and written words,
holding constancy of their meanings
for constancy of comprehension by others.
It assists the self to narrow its focus on tasks or thoughts
needed to connect with the world outside my body.

Perhaps the Connector’s deepest fear is loss of the self,
no template to reshape,
no recognizable pattern of continuity,
no memories to guard,
nothing to refine into its fullest potential.
Without the self, the Connector would be without its purpose:
to direct my awareness toward its most embracing state of experience.

Out of this fear, the Connector may guide from extreme positions
and lose balance.
It may encourage the self to expand its power over others
in arrogant behaviors,
or it may allow the self to cede its strengths altogether
and wander as ill-defined as the air.

For myself, I was unsettled in these reflections
by a feeling or subdued belief
that the Collector and Connector within me
each feared the other,
as if the Collector could annihilate the guardianship of the self
and the Connector could annihilate gathering of signals.
If such fears between them were truly so,
how could they ever be expected to cooperate with equanimity?
How could a fully integrated human ever transcend from their partnership?

At first I thought of natural bodily fears:
fear of loss of self as experienced by dementia,
fear of loss of signals as experienced by deafness with blindness.
But I was startled, shaken to my very core,
when I realized a deeper truth:
I had been taught to have other fears,
fears embedded within me, not based on bodily evidence
but as imposed beliefs from a combination of identifiable sources
within…our…culture,
messages such as “if scientist, no heart–if heart, no rationality”,
“if authority, no kindness–if kind, no authority”.
These and many more dualisms were translated subconsciously,
reinforced implicitly in multiple contexts,
as a secret assertion that
the Collector and Connector need beware of each other.

This shock aroused my intense anger and intense sadness
which together marked the beginning of an inner healing,
initiated gently through forgiveness of inflicted ignorances
and gratitude for this moment’s liberation of truth.
False fear that is taught to reside in others
can be observed every day–
in families, classrooms, houses of worship, the media–
and it must be courageously addressed at every occurrence
if each human, and thus humanity,
is to cooperate with creative relationships.

I will not again allow such fears to separate my own inner
Collector and Connector from their dynamic co-fulfillment.
I will turn instead to the more important questions revealed
when not burdened with fear rooted in deception.

What is the natural internal relationship
of these two entities within any human,
a relationship that has advanced naturally for a purpose
we may need to better understand very soon
if we are to move forward in a global transition
already past the edge of its beginning.
For this relationship within each human must be healed
if we are ever to heal the separation it may generate
within every group of human participation,
especially our common participation with Earth.

And so I return to the relationship within myself
between BOTH, those I name the Collector and the Connector.
I expose the dialogue within myself for what it may offer
to a wider dialogue necessary among ourselves.

I can walk now through my outer physical environment
with a broadened inner subjective experience as I do so.
My Collector gathers signals to bathe me
in an inescapable sea of offerings for my absorption.
These signals may literally touch me–
a chill in the air, a pain in my foot,
a bird singing, the sight of a brutal pet owner–
and in so doing speak of life, my life, all life,
for through signals received, I am reassured, consciously or not,
that I am a source of signals as well,
for I AM HERE, now, a living human among all that lives.

My Connector on this same walk may attend
to guiding my conscious self through abstract thoughts,
at times connecting parts of a solution to a problem–
resolving a family dispute, reflecting on a global issue–
talking words to itself in my mind as it does so.
The identity of the self appears constant over short intervals,
yet the connections that comprise it are continuously being changed
one moment to the next–biochemically, neuropsychologically.
I am a self over longer spans of time that is evolving, transforming,
longing for my next level of awareness as it responds to life
with my accumulation of experiences within it.
I am a self that is my own mystery,
while often disguised as my only certainty.

Is it not the mutual interaction
of the Collector and Connector, not one alone, but both,
that allows for my most splendid human expression?
Even in this very moment addressing you,
my conscious “self” strives to localize information
in definitive words and sentences to aid your understanding,
while I simultaneously receive “signals” that awaken
something far more encompassing and inexplicable,
that senses everything here, including you,
is intertwined.

My Collector and Connector
are right now in the process of their co-communication
and I am both source and witness to their interplay.
They are finding their pathways of interactivity,
naturally, without competition, without fear,
as if there is already an agreement between them
to assist each other for a common greater purpose.

My heart rejoices in the Beauty of their conversation:
of words and images, experience and innocence, rationality and heart.
This is the Beauty of full awareness, unfragmented knowing,
that lifts me into the realm of Wholeness
from which all meaningful questions are asked
and all truthful answers await.

Within that realm I now ask,
“For what purpose am I compelled to speak of these reflections?”

And within that realm I hear awaiting:
“You speak to offer possibilities arising from what has been long-hidden, unrecognized,
relentlessly processing,
a relationship toward a becoming.”

———
Notes:
a. Inspiration for this reflection was stimulated by works of (but not limited to) Louis Cozolino, Antonio Damasio, Peter Levine, Life, Iain McGilchrist, and Ken Wilber.
b. Kosmos(-ic) with a capital is used here to include all phenomena as well as noumena of the universe.

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